Wanting

"If wanting to be wanted is about image, wanting to be loved is about heart.   The heart-truth of wanting to be loved is what we discover through a way of living that rests on honesty, directness, transparency."  Polly Young-Eisendrath

Ethics and Identity

"As subjects of our own desires, we develop our potentials and grow in our capacity to lead an ethical life.   What we once accepted as the dictates of an external authority we now think out for ourselves, and we are required to articulate and identity over time that places us constantly and squarely at the center of our own contradictory feelings and motives."  Polly Young-Eisendarth

Choice

"If we do not choose consciously, we will react unconsciously through our impulses and hidden desires, feeling as though they have control over our lives."   Polly Young-Eisendrath

Subject or Object

"Those who identify with being objects rather than subjects function more in terms of what they "ought" to do, what they "have" to do, or what the "should" do because their sense of worth arises from others evaluations, reflections, desires.   They have missed out on learning how to be self-determining, although they may believe they have learned.   The telltale sign that they are functioning as objects rather than subjects is, as we have repeatedly seen, is feeling resentful and overwhelmed by their daily activities- feeling as though someone else were in charge."  Polly Young-Eisendrath

Life and Limitations

"Exercising choice and intentionality does not necessarily lead to the outcomes we desire.   We are limited by our weaknesses, mistakes, ignorance, circumstances, physical limitations, illnesses and death.   But as we learn to make decisions in our daily lives, we become more enlightened about our strengths and limitations, and how we depend on others for what we cannot do ourselves."  Polly Young-Eisendrath

Personal Sovereignty

"Personal sovereignty is the ability to know and practice self-determination in whatever circumstances you find yourself.   When you feel in control of your life, you know yourself to be the author of your own actions, and know that you always have choices."   Polly Young-Eisendrath

Desires and Dreams of a Woman

"Many women believe that they ARE living their own desires when they choose to be thin, chic, fashionable, sexy- imitating the anorectic muse of our era.   And young mothers may feel that they have chosen, rather than been elected, to be full-time moms.  But these are not free or autonomous choices when they develop from conscious or unconscious desires to be wanted, approved or worthy."  Polly Young-Eisendrath

Personal Authority

"As you come to know the difference between your desire to be desirable and your desire to make your own decisions, you will understand more clearly how to cope with the pressures that arise in yourself and others when you begin to take yourself seriously.   You will come to see that making claims for your own authority can sometimes lead to being seen as the hag-bitch, and you will learn how to conserve your authority in the face of challenges, attacks, and negative labels.   Holding on to your authority means breathing deeply and standing firmly behind your decisions without shame or blame."  Polly Young-Eisendrath

Sovereignty

"To be capable of personal sovereignty, you must come to know all of your desires.  When you know your own desires, then you can choose among them and begin to discriminate the various paths your desires may lead you down."  Polly Young-Eisendrath

Addiction, Cravings and Desire

"Cravings or longings that arise from desire for what was merely gratifying or pleasurable are not reliable guides to autonomy because they lead to  impulse and addiction.  We can never satisfy such cravings.   They are based on the absence of something we want (slenderness, sex, money, ideal life partner), which no longer seem so exciting if or when we get it."   Polly Young-Eisendrath

Honesty with Self

"Admitting who we are and what we want, recognizing our dependence and gratitude, puts us in a vulnerable position.   We learn that human strengths and abilities are always limited by weakness, tiredness, forgetfulness, bad habits and other imperfections.   These innate limitations awaken us to the ways we need others and compels us to appreciate how we are helped and sustained by our relationships.   Hiding from the truth leads only to the opposite; anxious self-protectiveness, isolation, fear and shame."  Polly Young-Eisendrath

Truthful Living

"When we live by the truth, we discover what constitutes not only our individual nature but also our fundamental humanity."  Polly Young-Eisendarth

Right Speech

"Being true to yourself does not mean judging or blaming or letting your tongue roll with nasty, accusatory words.   Rather it means speaking your own thoughts and feelings with respect for others, without trying to cover up the harsh bits or the rough edges in order to keep yourself shiny and clean."   Polly Young-Eisendrath

Object or Subject

"A woman who identifies with being the object of desire is not the source of her own inspiration; she does not feel as though her life belongs to her.   Her vitality and imagination, her efforts and plans, are directed toward the desires of others.   To be the object of desire means to have no core self, no clear autonomy and self-determination that are under your command.  Being the subject of your own desires does not preclude having an attractive appearance, or a pleasant manner.   But appearance, manner, niceness, self-sacrifice are never central motivators for the woman who is the subject.   She speaks confidently and clearly even in the face of challenge, conflict and her own anxiety.   Because she wants to be known for who she is, instead of how she appears, she is straight-forward and direct."   Polly Young-Eisendrath

Claiming your needs

"Attempting to evoke responses from others without claiming one's needs not only is confusing but carries the hidden meaning of danger-that something is so troubling it cannot be put into words.   It is only when we speak directly, with a secure self-confidence, that we step outside this negative meaning of female desire."  Polly Young-Eisendrath

Being Nice

"When we cloak our desires in niceties and seductions, we protect ourselves from being known directly and imply that others must always be nice to us.   This kind of eggshell quality of female desire suggests that our needs must be hidden, that they are dangerous."   Polly Young-Eisendrath

Image

"The compulsion to be desired and desirable undermines self-direction, self-confidence, and self-determination in women of all ages, in all our roles, whether or not the affliction is conscious.  Wanting to be wanted is about finding our power in an image rather than in our own actions.   We try to appear attractive, nice, good, valid, legitimate, or worthy to someone else, instead of discovering what we actually feel and want for ourselves.   Other people are expected to provide our own feelings of power, worth or vitality, at the expense of our own authentic development.   In place of knowing the truth of who we are and what we want for our lives we become trapped in images."    Polly Young-Eisendrath